When You are Not Chosen By the One You Love

Loving someone and having them not choose you in return can feel like an inconsolable ache inside your chest that won’t go away no matter what you do. The most intellectual and reasonable part of you knows that if a person does not choose you in equal measure, they aren’t the right person for you. But another part of you misses them. Part of you still wishes to be chosen by them.

What no one tells you about this type of sad experience is that the always-present ache and the unfulfilled longing to be chosen by that person can become insidious. Like a slow creeping shadow covering the land as the sun sets, the emotional pain can eclipse your entire life, and steal your days, nights, and even years from you. The shadow that begins as a dimming of the connection to yourself, can morph into what feels like a thick goop that covers and limits even the positive aspects of you. 

Some people in this situation live with the goop, keeping the pain and loss it represents hidden, and choose to move forward with a new partner before processing the experience of not being chosen. They may repeat unhealthy relationship patterns. Others engage in feel-good experiences such as exciting travel, diving into hobbies, purposeful work, entertainment, earning a degree or certificate, and so, on. Some turn to partying, excessive, alcohol, drugs, over-eating, and other forms of harmful coping strategies. No matter how you choose to manage, the fact remains you were not reciprocally chosen and the ensuing emotional pain can interrupt meaningful connections to yourself, others, and the world.

How do we get the goop of emotional pain and loss off of us so we can resolve the past, accept reality, reconnect with ourselves, and process the sadness so we can live more fully?

A wholistic path of resolution exists that creates space for heartbreak to be experienced without feeling the need to suppress it, to cover it up with a glitzy life, and without having to resort to unhealthy coping strategies to dissociate from the emotional pain. Instead, this path helps you build the capacity to be with the sadness and resolve it naturally.

What is the wholistic path? The wholistic path is where you allow yourself to feel sadness while at the same time remembering different elements of yourself. The different elements can act as a supportive resource, bolster your inner strength, and expand your capacity to experience sadness without sadness taking over your life.

If it feels comfortable, gently visualize an X within a circle in the place where you feel sadness or the inconsolable ache in your body the most. Imagine the sad part of you in one quadrant and fill the other three spaces of the X with a few different aspects that contribute to who you are. For example, when I tried this exercise, I felt a sense of sadness in my chest. I then brought awareness to the aspect of me that felt sad and I imagined that part of me in one of the quadrants of the circle. Then I remembered other parts of myself: the part that is moved by music and loves to dance, another that cherishes time laughing with family and friends, and the part that is most at peace in nature, in the garden, or swimming in the ocean. I imagined each element of me equally, one part in each of the four quadrants. 

The Complexity Circle (Author's Example)

The complexity circle is a tool that can help you experience not being chosen from a place of wholeness and inner strength. The circle reminds us that being sad is one aspect of our lives among many elements. This realization can help us build the capacity to stay present when feeling sad without becoming flooded with painful feelings.

After completing the complexity circle exercise, gently explore and connect to different aspects of your whole self. Connecting to aspects of you can be done through your imagination or by taking action in the real world. For example, to help me connect with the parts of myself shown in my complexity circle, I spent time in my garden, opened my home to friends and family, and celebrated those I love. Even though I felt sadness, I was also able to experience the beauty of nature, socially connect, and feel happiness. This is an exercise you can do as often as needed to increase emotional resilience and deepen inner connection.

Interestingly, from the quadrant perspective, you may also begin to perceive the other person, the one who did not choose you, as more complex too. You may begin to notice and accept all the different aspects of them - even the part of them that did not choose you. Bringing awareness to and accepting all of the person can help you to let them go.

Not being chosen can be very painful. The pain can disconnect us from ourselves and keep us from fully experiencing our lives. Don’t let it. Instead, bring awareness to, and feel the sadness while allowing for the complexity of who you are to emerge which can help you tap into your inner courage and strength. Practice attuning to all the different aspects of you– the sad part, the intellectual part, and the parts that exude joy and appreciate the people, places, and experiences in your life. The attention and awareness you give to your complexity create new neural connections and expand your thinking and ways of being in the world. When you choose the wholistic path, You authentically tune into yourself, you choose yourself, and begin to heal.